For your quiet twenty minutes of reflection, you may wish to think about some questions like these, from Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher, Ballantine Books, 1995:      
 

     “The most important question for every client is ‘Who are you?’  I am not as interested in an answer as I am in teaching a process that the [person] can use for the rest of her life.  The process involves looking within to find a true core of self, acknowledging unique gifts, accepting all feelings, not just the socially acceptable ones, and making deep and firm decisions about values and meaning.  The process includes knowing the difference between thinking and feeling, between immediate gratification and long-term goals and between her own voice and the voices of others.  The process includes discovering the personal impact of our cultural rules for women.  It includes discussion about breaking those rules and formulating new, healthy guidelines for the self.  The process teaches girls to chart a course based on the dictates of their true selves.  The process is nonlinear, arduous and discouraging.  It is also joyful, creative, and full of surprises.

     “I often use the North Star as a metaphor.  I tell clients, ‘You are in a boat that is being tossed around by the winds of the world.  The voices of your parents, your teachers, your friends and the media can blow you east, then  west, then back again.  To stay on course you must follow your own North Star, your sense of who you truly are.  Only by orienting north can you chart a course and maintain it, Only by orienting north can you keep from being blown all over the sea.

“True freedom has more to do with following the North Star than with going whichever way the wind blows.  Sometimes it seems like freedom is blowing with the winds of the day, but that kind of freedom is really an illusion.  It turns your boat in circles.  Freedom is sailing toward your dreams.’

“Even in the Midwest, many girls have sailed.  And … girls love images of the sea.  They like images of stars, sky, roaring waters and themselves in a small beautiful boat.  But most girls also feel uncertain how to apply this metaphor to their own lives.  They ask plaintively, ‘How do I know who I really am or what I really want?’

“I encourage girls to find a quiet place and ask themselves the following questions: How do I feel right now?  What do I think?  What are my values?  How would I describe myself to myself?  What kind of work do I like?  What kind of leisure do I like?  When do I feel most myself? What kinds of people do I respect?  How am I similar to and different from my mother?  How am I similar to and different from my father?  What goals do I have for myself as a person?  What are my strengths and weaknesses?  What would I be proud of on my deathbed?

“I encourage girls to keep diaries and to write poetry and autobiographies… Their journals are places where they can be honest and whole.  In their writing, they can clarify, conceptualize and evaluate their experiences.  Writing their thoughts and feelings strengthens their sense of self.  Their journals are a place where their point of view on the universe matters.

“We talk about the disappointments of early adolescence – the betrayals by friends, the discovery that one is not beautiful by cultural standards, the feeling that one’s smartness is a liability, the pressure to be popular instead of being honest, and to be feminine instead of being whole.

“I encourage girls to search within themselves for their deepest values and beliefs.  Once they have discovered their own true selves, I encourage them to trust that self as the source of meaning and direction in their lives….

“I encourage girls to observe our culture with the eyes of an anthropologist in a strange new society.  What customs and rituals do they observe?  What kinds of women and men are respected in the culture?  What body shapes are considered ideal?  How are the sex roles assigned?  What are sanctions for breaking the rules?  It’s only after they understand the rules that they can intelligently resist them.”

(From Chapter 13, What I’ve Learned from Listening, 254-256)

For further reading, consider also The Shelter of Each Other: Rebuilding Our Families, by Mary Pipher,      Ballantine, 1996.

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